This is something I wrote in my 2015-2016 year of high school; we were assigned to write about our beliefs - one belief about anything - what we believed and why, but we couldn't actually say "I believe in", or anything like that, so ... yeah, it wasn't anything simple. My class had a lot of interesting beliefs; some papers made us cry, one paper got us laughing, and ... I thought since I still had mine, I'd share it ...

Loveless? A Flaw I Shall Fulfill

              I haven’t a cracked heart, but a chipped one, because I have vowed never again to love; that being said, did I ever even know what love was to begin with?

“What’s a soulmate?” A good question, Lilly Leery. I believe in many, many things, all of which many of my peers will never be able to comprehend why, or even how, I believe in these things I believe in. The thing I’ve long since forgone believing in is the idea of a soulmate, a truly true love, and the belief I’ve once had when I was a naïve child is now replaced by a better - for me, it’s a better - belief.

I will never find love, because I am incapable of loving, and that is alright, because it is not my purpose in life to find love; God had created men and women who will never find a partner in their lifetime because they are not designed to, for we are to help further the happiness and “lightness” of others, those who will be great one day. I see greatness in my peers, and swelled hearts, too. I believe it is my purpose to make sure those swelled hearts do not burst like a balloon would,  when it reaches the end of its lifetime.

I may be thinking a little too negative of myself, I’m sure I’ll hear. I’m sure I’ll also hear I’m destined for love myself, that I’ll find the one who will be the one for me, but I know that will not happen, because I’ve never liked a person to a point of “love”. I refuse deluding myself once again; was I even deluding myself back then? But I believe with all my heart - and it is a swelled heart, too, I assure - that I am not being unreasonable, but realist in regarding the topic many will say and have already said I’m still too young to think and worry about at this moment in time.

I’m a unique soul, and like with all unique souls, people will never understand our way of thinking. I am not understandable to my parents, those who dare claim know me better than anyone else would in this world, nor am I understandable to my friends, who may possibly be the only ones who will ever truly be able to get close enough to me to know that they are the ones I’ll always say know me better than anybody else ever could, for can they themselves claim knowing all of what I’m capable of? I have a horrid mind, they do not know me.

Love escapes me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it looks like; love looks like two souls, perhaps even more - there are some recorded cases, I believe. Love looks like souls, bound together in state of temporary or permanent, and with temporary, comes the flourishing freshness of discovering or sickening feeling of wanting to cough up the disgusting bile and remnants of an ill soul (it does happen), while with the permanent, an indescribable feeling that only those experiencing can ever truly understand. And love can come in many forms, too. My form of love is familial; I love my biological family, and I love my made-myself family.

But I’m a chipped heart that God has made to never know the love of truly true understanding and blessed devotion, for that is not how I was designed to be. And I’m okay being that.

I have a bit of trouble with dealing with the concept of love, but I'm happy believing this for as long as I can. A classmate of mine had told m I'll find love, and I think that that's going to be a little difficult, but it's okay, because I'm happy and love is just extra strong happiness, right? And don't I already have love, but just in different forms? I have that, so I'm okay. That being said, what do you believe in? (Not really sure if I asked this already, heh. ^.^')

I'm a girl who dreams too much, who has a hard time "growing up", as I've been advised to do on more than one occasion, and yet I'm perhaps the most grown up person I'll ever find, because that's how I see myself as ...


I like watching cartoons, dancing goofily to music, and similar things people "my age" shouldn't be interested in, shouldn't be doing or acting like, but then there's the thing I've always seemed to never be able to forget - I'm not like people "my age". I'm me.


I can't understand how other people are feeling because I'm not them, and I never will be, so if I ever get asked "how do you think (I/s/he) feel(s)", I'll probably respond with "I don't know, I'm not (you/him/her), I'm me". I can't understand someone when I'm not them, and that's just something about me that makes me, me.


I like being goofy, immature, because that's something about me that makes me happy. When I can laugh, smile genuinely, I feel lighter, and that doesn't happen when I try "acting my age" as it doesn't really suit me, being something I'm not. When I do act mature, I often have a thought or two that's unsettling, and I'm pretty sure in those times people actually want the goofy, immature girl back, just so they won't have to deal with my deep thinking (I like thinking I'm a deep thinker). You can probably guess what thoughts I have when I'm acting mature, just by reading a few of my posts ...


I've never been more myself than when writing my posts =). Thank you for letting me be myself! And ... why I'm posting this is because I want people to remember to be themselves, to enjoy being themselves, because there are people out there who feel like they can't accept themselves, because they take what other people say about them into a higher opinion than their own, which is sad, because people should like themselves! So ...


Remember to be yourself, remember to enjoy being yourself, because you're only you, so shouldn't you enjoy being you?

I apologize for being gone for so long, but in my time away, I've been thinking ... 

The world is full of people, and many think they aren't worth it. We need people there to remind us we ARE worth something.

 
This is a song by Relient K, called More Than Useless, that describes fully why I'm writing this. 

More Than UselessRelient K
I feel like
I would like to be somewhere else
Doing something that matters
And I'll admit here
While I sit here, my mind wastes away
And my doubts start to gather
What's the purpose?
It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
And I'm just scared
So scared that I'll fail you
Sometimes I think
That I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why
Why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
So I say if I can't
Do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial
That life can give you will
Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late, look
My date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet
That regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run
Sometimes I think
That I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why
Why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew, I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for once
I noticed
I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it
I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
(Without me)
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
(Without me)
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time
It's my life
And my right to use it like I should
Like he would
For the good
Of everything that I would ever know
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew, I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for once. 

If you're feeling worthless, useless, then do remember something. 

You're worth something. You're worth a lot more than you know.