This is something I wrote in my 2015-2016 year of high school; we were assigned to write about our beliefs - one belief about anything - what we believed and why, but we couldn't actually say "I believe in", or anything like that, so ... yeah, it wasn't anything simple. My class had a lot of interesting beliefs; some papers made us cry, one paper got us laughing, and ... I thought since I still had mine, I'd share it ...

Loveless? A Flaw I Shall Fulfill

              I haven’t a cracked heart, but a chipped one, because I have vowed never again to love; that being said, did I ever even know what love was to begin with?

“What’s a soulmate?” A good question, Lilly Leery. I believe in many, many things, all of which many of my peers will never be able to comprehend why, or even how, I believe in these things I believe in. The thing I’ve long since forgone believing in is the idea of a soulmate, a truly true love, and the belief I’ve once had when I was a naïve child is now replaced by a better - for me, it’s a better - belief.

I will never find love, because I am incapable of loving, and that is alright, because it is not my purpose in life to find love; God had created men and women who will never find a partner in their lifetime because they are not designed to, for we are to help further the happiness and “lightness” of others, those who will be great one day. I see greatness in my peers, and swelled hearts, too. I believe it is my purpose to make sure those swelled hearts do not burst like a balloon would,  when it reaches the end of its lifetime.

I may be thinking a little too negative of myself, I’m sure I’ll hear. I’m sure I’ll also hear I’m destined for love myself, that I’ll find the one who will be the one for me, but I know that will not happen, because I’ve never liked a person to a point of “love”. I refuse deluding myself once again; was I even deluding myself back then? But I believe with all my heart - and it is a swelled heart, too, I assure - that I am not being unreasonable, but realist in regarding the topic many will say and have already said I’m still too young to think and worry about at this moment in time.

I’m a unique soul, and like with all unique souls, people will never understand our way of thinking. I am not understandable to my parents, those who dare claim know me better than anyone else would in this world, nor am I understandable to my friends, who may possibly be the only ones who will ever truly be able to get close enough to me to know that they are the ones I’ll always say know me better than anybody else ever could, for can they themselves claim knowing all of what I’m capable of? I have a horrid mind, they do not know me.

Love escapes me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it looks like; love looks like two souls, perhaps even more - there are some recorded cases, I believe. Love looks like souls, bound together in state of temporary or permanent, and with temporary, comes the flourishing freshness of discovering or sickening feeling of wanting to cough up the disgusting bile and remnants of an ill soul (it does happen), while with the permanent, an indescribable feeling that only those experiencing can ever truly understand. And love can come in many forms, too. My form of love is familial; I love my biological family, and I love my made-myself family.

But I’m a chipped heart that God has made to never know the love of truly true understanding and blessed devotion, for that is not how I was designed to be. And I’m okay being that.

I have a bit of trouble with dealing with the concept of love, but I'm happy believing this for as long as I can. A classmate of mine had told m I'll find love, and I think that that's going to be a little difficult, but it's okay, because I'm happy and love is just extra strong happiness, right? And don't I already have love, but just in different forms? I have that, so I'm okay. That being said, what do you believe in? (Not really sure if I asked this already, heh. ^.^')

I'm a girl who dreams too much, who has a hard time "growing up", as I've been advised to do on more than one occasion, and yet I'm perhaps the most grown up person I'll ever find, because that's how I see myself as ...


I like watching cartoons, dancing goofily to music, and similar things people "my age" shouldn't be interested in, shouldn't be doing or acting like, but then there's the thing I've always seemed to never be able to forget - I'm not like people "my age". I'm me.


I can't understand how other people are feeling because I'm not them, and I never will be, so if I ever get asked "how do you think (I/s/he) feel(s)", I'll probably respond with "I don't know, I'm not (you/him/her), I'm me". I can't understand someone when I'm not them, and that's just something about me that makes me, me.


I like being goofy, immature, because that's something about me that makes me happy. When I can laugh, smile genuinely, I feel lighter, and that doesn't happen when I try "acting my age" as it doesn't really suit me, being something I'm not. When I do act mature, I often have a thought or two that's unsettling, and I'm pretty sure in those times people actually want the goofy, immature girl back, just so they won't have to deal with my deep thinking (I like thinking I'm a deep thinker). You can probably guess what thoughts I have when I'm acting mature, just by reading a few of my posts ...


I've never been more myself than when writing my posts =). Thank you for letting me be myself! And ... why I'm posting this is because I want people to remember to be themselves, to enjoy being themselves, because there are people out there who feel like they can't accept themselves, because they take what other people say about them into a higher opinion than their own, which is sad, because people should like themselves! So ...


Remember to be yourself, remember to enjoy being yourself, because you're only you, so shouldn't you enjoy being you?

I apologize for being gone for so long, but in my time away, I've been thinking ... 

The world is full of people, and many think they aren't worth it. We need people there to remind us we ARE worth something.

 
This is a song by Relient K, called More Than Useless, that describes fully why I'm writing this. 

More Than UselessRelient K
I feel like
I would like to be somewhere else
Doing something that matters
And I'll admit here
While I sit here, my mind wastes away
And my doubts start to gather
What's the purpose?
It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
And I'm just scared
So scared that I'll fail you
Sometimes I think
That I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why
Why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
So I say if I can't
Do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial
That life can give you will
Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late, look
My date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet
That regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run
Sometimes I think
That I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why
Why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew, I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for once
I noticed
I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it
I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
(Without me)
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
(Without me)
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time
It's my life
And my right to use it like I should
Like he would
For the good
Of everything that I would ever know
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew, I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for once. 

If you're feeling worthless, useless, then do remember something. 

You're worth something. You're worth a lot more than you know. 

Sometimes you just need to be unknown - Unknown

No carbs - anonymous

When is one's work worth more than it should already be? When he or she is dead. Sad as it is, it's true. An artist's paintings are worth more when he or she is dead. Many choose not to listen to what a person has to offer, because they're "too small, unimportant".

Who do you look to when you want to hear opinions? A stranger, a preacher, a politician, your parents, or your teacher? Teachers are to teach certain ways, and while they try to give advice, be a guiding hand you might be needing, trying is all that can be done. Some don't succeed in getting through, and many more are unable to help, as they themselves don't understand. Aren't you supposed to respect your elders? Don't parents have an understanding their children do not? They've lived longer on this earth than their children have, so isn't their opinions worth more? Yes and no. Yes, parents have opinions we should take into consideration, but no, their opinions are not all that good. As a parent to a child has lived longer than said child, their opinions may be biased, and parents will sometimes try instilling a sense of "I'm in the right, you're in the wrong". Sometimes, but not always. A politican is tricky. We never know if what they're saying is what they believe they want us to hear or if what they're saying is what they firmly believe in. Some of the things a politican can say are good, things that we may need to consider, but really, in a world of politics, who're you going to believe? A preacher will preach the good word, but how good is that word? It could be biased, and it could be confusing, too. And if you've heard something being preached so many times, won't you grow bored with listening to this "good word"? Strangers are the last to ever be considered for who you want to hear opinions from, but a stranger can make an excellent listener and advice giver sometimes. A stranger has no familiarity with you, so how would they know what you may or may not want to hear? Furthermore, wouldn't a stranger be blunt with you? You are a stranger to them, so what purpose would restricting what they say to you hold?

I'm not saying go actively seek out unknown people to talk to, but what I am saying is that being unknown holds weight, as when people don't know who you are, they will be more likely to take what you say into account. Yes, Unknown is right. Sometimes it's better to be unknown.

No carbs to me means "the excess in life takes away its spice". Life is strange, I think we can all agree on that, but which life is better? Living life extravagently or average? Most would say they'd wish to live life extravagently, but I'm not too sure that's a good idea. Money can corrupt if you're not too careful, and power can go to your head if you don't watch out. Living average isn't bad, as what is average, anyways? Life is too good already, to those who make the best with what they have now. Living a life that's rich doesn't mean you have to be rich, it means that you can live life making the best out of its moments. No carbs, live life without its carbs.

Hart’s ♡

I am Marjorie Ethel Anne Hart, also known as M . E Anne Hart, and listen as I confess something.

I have dreamed and day dreamed of a little boy, and I know he is my son. I yearn for the day I meet him in reality, but, I worry, for in my dreams there is no father.  

Not that I know of, anyways. In all my dreams of this little boy with the shadow over his face (if I try hard enough, I can imagine him with features close to mine, considering my maternal genetics are strong, and even if he is born a boy, he no doubt will have a likeness to me, if not in looks, it would be in personality, because that is strong too), do I never see a man around, no foreshadowing of a future as a nuclear family. Do I not marry? Is there no father for this boy? Do I have no boyfriend instead? A papa figure for this angel I hope to be one day blessed with birthing?

And I think about love. What is love? I know there is no such thing as a true love, as that only ever happened in fairy tales, and with so much heartbreak, it just isn’t possible. I don’t believe in love at first sight, either. You can like someone on first sight, but love that immediate? That intimate? No, never. I believe in first, second, and third loves, but not true love.

I love my friends, I love my parents, I love my family and family friends, but the love I don’t think I’ll ever find is a stable love. A love of righteous unity. A love where I’ll find someone who loves me too, whole heartedly, like I would them. No, I don’t think I’ll find that, not in this world, where there’s so much sorrow and crying and doubt. I dislike doubt, but I also like it.

I hate boundaries, always have, always will. I never know when I’m crossing a line if I’m never aware there was one in the first place, and how will people react if I do something that goes too far? I’m in a relationship now but will it work out? What if I cross a line with my boyfriend, making him uncomfortable and upset and making myself guilty? I admit, I’m perverted, but I’m okay with that, but will anyone be as okay with it as me?

I was raised as Christian, I was raised to know premarital sex is a sin, but I am curious by nature, and I am curious about sex. I want to know what it is about - first hand is always the best hand to have in the field of knowledge, after all - but I abide by my parents’ rule. Teenage sex is risky sex. So I find different means to learn, still abiding by their rules, but they despise my means to curb my curiosity and still abide by what they want. Can any parent be pleased?

I don’t see myself having a boyfriend or even a girlfriend later on life, now that I know who I am. I am a girl who wishes to be a woman who is strong and with her head held high, a woman confident, courageous, and compassionate, a woman who knows her faults and finds them marvelous. I can’t be that, if I have a husband, or a boyfriend, or even a girlfriend. I can’t be that woman I want to be if I’m so cautious about boundaries, because I can’t stress how stressful my current relationship is - Am I a good girlfriend? Do I give him enough space or am I seemingly distant from him? Will we make it for as long as we hope?

I discuss our future, or lackthereof, at times. I say “I don’t want bad blood between us” or “I want us to still be friends if anything happens”. He asked me if I was trying to tell him something, once. I said “No, not now”, because it was true. Not now. Never now. In a year, perhaps, when I’m to move on. It’s false hope, you might say, being with the boy who will one day be a man, is well ready for that step, but I cannot break it off so soon after we promised each other however long we can, we’d make it. I know I’ll be ending it, be the one to break his heart, because I don’t want to be selfish and take away his opportunities for other loves. Like I said, I

believe in first, second, and third loves, not true love. He says he does, and I’m scared, because does he really think he can change my mind on that if he tries keeping me? I want him happy, even if I break his heart. He’ll have time to heal it, and that makes my own cracked heart happy, knowing what I’ll be doing will be easier. He is handsome, sweet, a gentleman in nature and a geek of another nature. He’ll make girls swoon for him not too long after I’m gone , no doubt.

But the boy in my dreams, the one I know is my son. I know what it is I’ll be doing in having him, and I worry how will my parents take it? Because I know my future child will not be born from holy matrimony. I wish him a father, a paternal figure he can have. But he might not because of my choices. Oh well, I can’t psyche myself out now, can I? I pray to my (former?) God that he might forgive me now, and still make it to where I can have the little angel I saw in my dreams. I hope so. I wish so. I want it to be so.

I am Marjorie Ethel Anne Hart, and thank you for being an ear. 

Marjorie is a friend who I hope you all don't try to judge too harshly. We all could do with a little less judgement in our lives, couldn't we? 

Discovering yourself is a cursed blessing. - Anonymous  

You go through life questioning yourself if you're not content with yourself, and it's a hell if you're not content with yourself

People will try shoving their "I'm okay with ... I'm not okay with ..." down your throat, wanting to make you like-minded, think like them. Prejudice is a real good example of that, so is being a zealot and hating a person for being "unacceptable" to what they're supposed to be used to. Some people just go too far, y'know? They hurt people without a care what they're doing is wrong, because they don't think they're actually doing anything wrong! That's messed up

And when you have people shoving their "I'm okay with ... I'm not okay with ..." into your life, you get confused, angry, and you also get a headache in trying to figure out if you are actually okay with and not okay with what they're okay with and not okay with. It makes you feel so conflicted about everything, doesn't it? 

Were you born into something? Were or are you apart a family that had been a certain way for so long, you felt you had to be that way too? I always felt conflicted with my religion, because it clashed a lot of times with my personal beliefs. Love is love as long as it isn't necrophilia, pedophilia, or beastiality, there are things in this world we can't explain, a person can find light in the dark if they tried, and a lot more similar things. I always felt I was wired wrong when I was okay with something that people would normally take a long time to be okay with. When you're born into something, it feels like you didn't have a say, and sometimes, you feel like you have to be the same way your family is because that's just how it is. I was born into being Christian, but later on in life Indecided to give it a try on my own terms. Now? I believe in the third power, the human power. Because that's what I'm okay with

It's a blessing finding out who you are, what you're okay with and not okay with, because then you feel content, courageous, and confident in yourself. Good Cs to have. Even if someone else is upset with who you are, at least you can say now you don't run the risk of being someone you know you won't ever be. It's also a curse, discovering yourself, in that you lose that meager identity you made back in your childhood 

That's why it's called a "cursed blessing". Found, lost, discovered. You found yourself an identity as a kid, lost it after something changing happens, and then you discover yourself ... 

There are 27 if not 29 causes of death I can name off the top of my head: burning, infection, blood loos, decapitation, wounding the vital organs/the appendix rupturing (can be fatal, this), slitting the throat, suffocation, poisoning, animal mauling (pigs are a rather interesting animal in that they will eat practically anything, including their own kind - read a book several years ago, it involving Hannibal the Cannibal and was disturbed to learn this, as I didn't know it prior that), breaking the neck, drowning, gutting, falling from great heights/immense impact, impaling, direct gun shot wounds, concussions (it's fatal in that if you go to sleep with a concussion, you'll slip into a coma, and chances of waking from one of those is varied), internal bleeding, cells deteriorating from cancer/ other illness, car accidents (though this might fall under the "immense impact" category), choking, hanging, natural disasters (chances are that there will be casualties), old age (the more merciful cause of death), circumstances/complications (stillborn syndrome, for one, and miscarriage for another), allergies (no joking with this one), exposure to the elements for a prolonged period of time (hypothermia is an example), and malnutrition. 

It's disturbing how fragile the human life is, and that we're all eligible to meet such a gruesome fate, like one of the ones from up above I listed off. We make a good of show of pretending we're not, don't we? 

An acquaintance of mine had commented on the fact I think of death as I do ( and if you refer back to a prior post I made about life and death, you'll know what I'm talking about). He had said it was disturbing that I do have thoughts about death. I didn't mind pointing out to him that death is something we all have to look forward to, so why not think about it? Doesn't anyone ever wonder how they'll die? When they'll die? What all they would have gotten done before they die? I know I do. It's disturbing to think about, yes, I admit that, but does anyone else believe it's better to think about something that could and most likely will happen than not thinking at all about it and being surprised if and when it does occur? We're weak creatures who like believing we're at the top of the food chain, when in reality, when we're left vulnerable and alone, all on our own, we're little more than prey for the predators. Scary, but true. I mean, how many times has a person died from an animal attack when they were without guns and knives and other defensive/offensive weapons? Almost always. 

Life is like glass. It's fragile in that anything can break life, in that anything can break a human's life. Sad, isn't it?