This is something I wrote in my 2015-2016 year of high school; we were assigned to write about our beliefs - one belief about anything - what we believed and why, but we couldn't actually say "I believe in", or anything like that, so ... yeah, it wasn't anything simple. My class had a lot of interesting beliefs; some papers made us cry, one paper got us laughing, and ... I thought since I still had mine, I'd share it ...

Loveless? A Flaw I Shall Fulfill

              I haven’t a cracked heart, but a chipped one, because I have vowed never again to love; that being said, did I ever even know what love was to begin with?

“What’s a soulmate?” A good question, Lilly Leery. I believe in many, many things, all of which many of my peers will never be able to comprehend why, or even how, I believe in these things I believe in. The thing I’ve long since forgone believing in is the idea of a soulmate, a truly true love, and the belief I’ve once had when I was a naïve child is now replaced by a better - for me, it’s a better - belief.

I will never find love, because I am incapable of loving, and that is alright, because it is not my purpose in life to find love; God had created men and women who will never find a partner in their lifetime because they are not designed to, for we are to help further the happiness and “lightness” of others, those who will be great one day. I see greatness in my peers, and swelled hearts, too. I believe it is my purpose to make sure those swelled hearts do not burst like a balloon would,  when it reaches the end of its lifetime.

I may be thinking a little too negative of myself, I’m sure I’ll hear. I’m sure I’ll also hear I’m destined for love myself, that I’ll find the one who will be the one for me, but I know that will not happen, because I’ve never liked a person to a point of “love”. I refuse deluding myself once again; was I even deluding myself back then? But I believe with all my heart - and it is a swelled heart, too, I assure - that I am not being unreasonable, but realist in regarding the topic many will say and have already said I’m still too young to think and worry about at this moment in time.

I’m a unique soul, and like with all unique souls, people will never understand our way of thinking. I am not understandable to my parents, those who dare claim know me better than anyone else would in this world, nor am I understandable to my friends, who may possibly be the only ones who will ever truly be able to get close enough to me to know that they are the ones I’ll always say know me better than anybody else ever could, for can they themselves claim knowing all of what I’m capable of? I have a horrid mind, they do not know me.

Love escapes me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it looks like; love looks like two souls, perhaps even more - there are some recorded cases, I believe. Love looks like souls, bound together in state of temporary or permanent, and with temporary, comes the flourishing freshness of discovering or sickening feeling of wanting to cough up the disgusting bile and remnants of an ill soul (it does happen), while with the permanent, an indescribable feeling that only those experiencing can ever truly understand. And love can come in many forms, too. My form of love is familial; I love my biological family, and I love my made-myself family.

But I’m a chipped heart that God has made to never know the love of truly true understanding and blessed devotion, for that is not how I was designed to be. And I’m okay being that.

I have a bit of trouble with dealing with the concept of love, but I'm happy believing this for as long as I can. A classmate of mine had told m I'll find love, and I think that that's going to be a little difficult, but it's okay, because I'm happy and love is just extra strong happiness, right? And don't I already have love, but just in different forms? I have that, so I'm okay. That being said, what do you believe in? (Not really sure if I asked this already, heh. ^.^')