Hart’s ♡

I am Marjorie Ethel Anne Hart, also known as M . E Anne Hart, and listen as I confess something.

I have dreamed and day dreamed of a little boy, and I know he is my son. I yearn for the day I meet him in reality, but, I worry, for in my dreams there is no father.  

Not that I know of, anyways. In all my dreams of this little boy with the shadow over his face (if I try hard enough, I can imagine him with features close to mine, considering my maternal genetics are strong, and even if he is born a boy, he no doubt will have a likeness to me, if not in looks, it would be in personality, because that is strong too), do I never see a man around, no foreshadowing of a future as a nuclear family. Do I not marry? Is there no father for this boy? Do I have no boyfriend instead? A papa figure for this angel I hope to be one day blessed with birthing?

And I think about love. What is love? I know there is no such thing as a true love, as that only ever happened in fairy tales, and with so much heartbreak, it just isn’t possible. I don’t believe in love at first sight, either. You can like someone on first sight, but love that immediate? That intimate? No, never. I believe in first, second, and third loves, but not true love.

I love my friends, I love my parents, I love my family and family friends, but the love I don’t think I’ll ever find is a stable love. A love of righteous unity. A love where I’ll find someone who loves me too, whole heartedly, like I would them. No, I don’t think I’ll find that, not in this world, where there’s so much sorrow and crying and doubt. I dislike doubt, but I also like it.

I hate boundaries, always have, always will. I never know when I’m crossing a line if I’m never aware there was one in the first place, and how will people react if I do something that goes too far? I’m in a relationship now but will it work out? What if I cross a line with my boyfriend, making him uncomfortable and upset and making myself guilty? I admit, I’m perverted, but I’m okay with that, but will anyone be as okay with it as me?

I was raised as Christian, I was raised to know premarital sex is a sin, but I am curious by nature, and I am curious about sex. I want to know what it is about - first hand is always the best hand to have in the field of knowledge, after all - but I abide by my parents’ rule. Teenage sex is risky sex. So I find different means to learn, still abiding by their rules, but they despise my means to curb my curiosity and still abide by what they want. Can any parent be pleased?

I don’t see myself having a boyfriend or even a girlfriend later on life, now that I know who I am. I am a girl who wishes to be a woman who is strong and with her head held high, a woman confident, courageous, and compassionate, a woman who knows her faults and finds them marvelous. I can’t be that, if I have a husband, or a boyfriend, or even a girlfriend. I can’t be that woman I want to be if I’m so cautious about boundaries, because I can’t stress how stressful my current relationship is - Am I a good girlfriend? Do I give him enough space or am I seemingly distant from him? Will we make it for as long as we hope?

I discuss our future, or lackthereof, at times. I say “I don’t want bad blood between us” or “I want us to still be friends if anything happens”. He asked me if I was trying to tell him something, once. I said “No, not now”, because it was true. Not now. Never now. In a year, perhaps, when I’m to move on. It’s false hope, you might say, being with the boy who will one day be a man, is well ready for that step, but I cannot break it off so soon after we promised each other however long we can, we’d make it. I know I’ll be ending it, be the one to break his heart, because I don’t want to be selfish and take away his opportunities for other loves. Like I said, I

believe in first, second, and third loves, not true love. He says he does, and I’m scared, because does he really think he can change my mind on that if he tries keeping me? I want him happy, even if I break his heart. He’ll have time to heal it, and that makes my own cracked heart happy, knowing what I’ll be doing will be easier. He is handsome, sweet, a gentleman in nature and a geek of another nature. He’ll make girls swoon for him not too long after I’m gone , no doubt.

But the boy in my dreams, the one I know is my son. I know what it is I’ll be doing in having him, and I worry how will my parents take it? Because I know my future child will not be born from holy matrimony. I wish him a father, a paternal figure he can have. But he might not because of my choices. Oh well, I can’t psyche myself out now, can I? I pray to my (former?) God that he might forgive me now, and still make it to where I can have the little angel I saw in my dreams. I hope so. I wish so. I want it to be so.

I am Marjorie Ethel Anne Hart, and thank you for being an ear. 

Marjorie is a friend who I hope you all don't try to judge too harshly. We all could do with a little less judgement in our lives, couldn't we?